Trial by Fire
December 4, 2007
I used to marvel at how static my personality was. As a child, I used to crawl into a crevice of the school building and watch the other kids chase each other on the playground. I would sit on the blacktop and play with my My Little Ponies and make up stories about myself in the third person. In a lot of ways, I’m still really that little girl. I watch, rather than participate in group activities. I still hear my own voice constantly in my head (though not usually in the third person anymore). Up until recently, I thought that the basic fabric of my personality would never change.
I’m stunned by the impact motherhood has had on my sense of myself. Despite the fact that I broke down and got an epidural during Eian’s delivery, I see myself as physically much stronger than I once was. I see myself as a woman instead of a girl. And that definition really goes beyond the physical. Being a mom has made me feel confident and capable in a way I don’t think I ever really did before.
How has motherhood changed you? Or do you feel pretty much the same?
I grew up, too. Birth was just the beginning; like the first challenge. Our babies are born and we feel enormous releif until the next challenge, and the next and each time we get a bit tougher, stronger, able to engage with our child and the world a bit better than before.
Right now my youngest is screaming because her lego zebra-giraffe I made for her (on request) has fallen and broken. This used to grate on my nerves, but now I just wait until she calms down and then pick up the peices and show her all is well. Now, she’s eating her Cheerios as if nothing happened. I think I’ve learned the same – not to overreact, to remain calm and move forward even when I feel enormously challenged. In a very real way, motherhood made it possible for me to beat cancer. At the very least it gives me daily inspiration for living.